THE   WORLD   OF   SCHLOCK

Welcome to the World of Schlock. Hello, Iím Tim Mooney. Iíll be your tour guide today. You may remember me from such web sites as: Jimmy, the Boy Who Married the Computer, and No! Donít Click on That! I have written two essays on acquisitiveness and selfishness. Greed. Now thatís a heavy thing. I despise greed. It can be found anywhere. Greed at the market, at school, miscellaneous, etc... My essays focus on one place that I deem greedy: the concession stand at St. Edward Hall during basketball games. I hope you will respect my opinion and maybe agree with it. Please agree. Why wonít you agree? I hope that if enough people will stand up, we can stop most, if not all, possessiveness. (donít mind all of the big words) Now read my two articles and think about them. Really, please, consider what is going on. Also, stay tuned, for my next essay coming in the winter: Mallowís Down and Iím Outta Pick Me Ups. Thank you and please tell your friends about this site. Now enjoy the rest of the show...


ALL   THE   WORLD   IS   SCHLOCK

January 10, 1998

Sadly, the world has come down to only one purpose: to make money. I first experienced this at a basketball game at St. Edward Hall. I went up to the concession stand and bought two bags of M&Mís and 3 Blow Pops for $1.95. I noticed that a price tag on the M&Mís said: 5 for $2.00. I was outraged. If they bought 5 for $2.00, each bag was $.40. At the stand, they were selling each bag for $.75. On each bag, they make 35 cents profit off innocent young whippersnappers. If they sold each bag for $.50, making a dime profit, they would still get money and save us 25 cents. If they purchased the candy-covered chocolate that melts in your mouth, not in your hand, for 75 cents a pop, they would be spending $3.75, but in fact, they spent $2.00. The difference is $1.75. So, for every five bags of M&Mís they sell, they will make almost $2.00, giving them enough money to buy 5 more! In a never-ending circle, businesses will make profit off communal unaware of high prices. But in a Catholic school, adults should not have the unscrupulousness to rip-off consumers. I mean, where will the contumelious end? The "Mad Cash Mobbers", who shall remain anonymous, get enough money off entrance fees. They donít need any more wealth. I think the elders of this community would agree with me because adults who overcharge us are utterly parsimonious and egotistical. They should be put on Death Row or at least get a Biff BeatDown. They wouldnít care if they charged us $56.28 for half of an M&M; they would be pleased as punch. But I know, somewhere, there is a society with no one rapacious. I think that place is inside each of us and our $10 bills, so send all your money to:

Happy Man: Tim Mooney 62 Prospect Street Stafford Springs, CT 06076

for degreediness processing. Thank you for your cooperation.

No, Iím not done. I think that we all should try to lower prices and set a community with partitioning and veraciousness. We can have no taxes like New Hampshire but still live like the rich in Connecticut. Itís a WIN - WIN situation we have here. All we have to do is be liberal. To set an example, the "Mad Cash Mobbers" at St. Edwardís should lower candy prices. All we are saying is exquisiteness a chance. If you would like a brochure on ostentation, send all your money to:

Groovy Man: Tim Mooney 62 Prospect Street Stafford Springs, CT 06076

for information on muttonizing. Thank you for your money - I mean cooperation.

Now, as for the snack bar at St. Edwardís, DONíT BE LACKADAISICAL! Make a bargain. Buy nachos for $.15 or threaten not to go there again. Thatís my advice. Donít fall for the power of the dark side; resist and buy at WalMart. And remember: stay hydrated.


WHY   MUST   THE   WORLD   BE   SCHLOCK

September 3, 1998

Why? The universal question. Because we say so. The universal answer. Yes, because we say so. But is that really what youíre saying? Is it really? I donít know. But letís get one thing straight: weíre not stupid, with the exception of the following people: Hugh Downes, George Bush, the Power Rangers, Garth Brooks, the Hardy Boys, and Wink Martindale. What am I talking about? I donít know, but the world has been reduced to a level of stupidness and greed, which I like to call schlock. Schlock. Now thatís a funny word. Just like the word Switzerland. But, anyway, if youíve read All the World is Schlock, then you know about the Mad Cash Mobbers at St. Edward School, charging almost 2x the regular price of the new candy of the millennium. They have not done much about it. Just think of how it could be if the prices were lowered. STOP READING AND THINK! Think what it would be like if everyone was happy. I think that there is a place where everyone is happy, and the key to that place is in our $10 bills. So send your money to:

Rich Man: Tim Mooney 62 Prospect Street Stafford Springs, CT 06076

Thank you.

No, Iím not done. Iím totally positive we can achieve this place of happiness just by living like how it was before cash was invented. The Mad Cash Mobbers can at least reduce their price a little. Just think about it. If the price was lowered, more people would buy yummy goodies. The Mobbers would get the same profit, if not more(1). Why does money have to ruin our lives? Like they say, "money is the root of all evil." People working at a Catholic school should not be stealing our money(4). And stealing is against the commandments. I wish this whole thing was not a problem. Why canít my wish come true? Why? I donít know. Do you? Probably not. And the moral of the story is:

Stay Hydrated.

Foot Notes:

(1) The stand would actually lose money and would have to shut down(2).

(2) No, the stand would make money(3).

(3) Thatís a lie, too.

(4) Theyíre not really stealing our money.


WHAT'S   THE   FUCKIN   DEAL,   BITCH?

January 31, 2000

I have a beef with the world, and youíre gonna hear about it. Iím getting a little pissed off that people say that to like the looks of a member of the opposite sexual gender is shallow and superficial. Dude what the freakin bloodclot!? To like a girl for their looks is not a bad thing. It is bad if thatís the only reason, but how you look is who you are so thatís a damn good enough thing to consider! I mean, people say that to want to get in shape or whatever and look good to ask a girl out is shallow, but thatís just plain fucked up. Guys like sexy chicks not for their intelligence but for their looks; itís obvious. My new philosphy: saying that looks are superficial is only an excuse for those fat, skank pussied, ugly-ass slack-jawed yokels out there who couldnít get a date if it were the eve of the apocalypse. They say that looks donít matter cause they know damn well they donít got Ďem. Now donít get me wrong... not only hot chicks are good to date but it is damn ok to put attention on physical features. So tell me, if thereís any of you who disagree with me, answer this: if you met an ugly-ass person who was funny and nice but made a horseís ass look enchanting, wouldnít you be reluctant to date him/her/it? And another thing, I fuckin hate it when people appeal to some faggot who seems to think heís the coolest around so now heís in charge. To hell with that! Man, heís just some butt-fucking camel raper who eats penguin shit. Thatís right, iím talking about the techers on the cheney bus. Fuck them man, the only cool ones are mike, bill, leo, wocko, and the girls. As for roger, metta, and all the other cockmasters, they can suck my dick. Theyíre faggots whoíll never amount to anything because they are ignorant ass-belonkers. And as for the EC frosh who think theyíre cool by hanging with roger, they can suck my dick too. Itís sad really, cause jeff was such a great guy. But he thinks heís all yar just cause roger took a fancy to him. And sarah... sarah... what the fuck! Sheís no better. And tony, he just displays fruity colors all over the place. Laura is the only freshman on the bus unaffected by my scorn. Sheís put up with a lot of shit and still hasnít gone to the dark side. With that, sheís pretty cool. Did I forget anyone? Oh yeah, Pat. Man, he is the coolest kid. He is also unaffected because he- well, heís just plain awesome. And all the sophomores and above from EC kick ass. But as for the techers, some of them are genuinely funny and some are just asses. Which are which? You decide. And whatís the deal with faucets at airports? Itís not real faucets, just things you push and they stop after a few seconds. What, do they not trust the public with the water supply? Itís not like people turn the water on full blast and run out into the streets yelling "water!!!" And the prices of food in airports, itís like their own country in there. Tuna? 28 bucks. If you donít like it go back to your own damn country. And iím so sick of these lame ass teen ass groups like backstreet boys and n sync. They suck! I wouldnít piss on their cds to put out a fire. They just sing, they donít even play their own instruments. I mean what the fuck here people? Music has gotten so lazy that all you do is sing!? Kurt Cobain and John Paul Jones must be rolling over in their graves. Jones was the bass guitar for Led Zeppelin, the greatest rock band ever. Cobain was the lead guitar for Nirvana, greatest punk band ever. Both bands paved the way for American music, and Cobain made flannel popular. They signified a change in music, one for the better. But these boy bands are making a change in music, for the worse. One last thing, I hope that this has changed ur attitudes about stuff. Feel free to distribute it. Um, yeah and last: drinking is fun, but donít drink and drive. Because accidents cause people. And look for my next awhodawhatta letter: Mallowís Down and Iím out of Pick-me-ups.

be cool... with MTV

Tim "at last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi" Mooney


COMMING   SOON:   MALLOW'S   DOWN   AND   I'M   OUT   OF   PICK-ME-UPS


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