Welcome to the World of Schlock. Hello, I’m Tim Mooney. I’ll be your tour guide today. You may remember me from such web sites as: Jimmy, the Boy Who Married the Computer, and No! Don’t Click on That! I have written two essays on acquisitiveness and selfishness. Greed. Now that’s a heavy thing. I despise greed. It can be found anywhere. Greed at the market, at school, miscellaneous, etc... My essays focus on one place that I deem greedy: the concession stand at St. Edward Hall during basketball games. I hope you will respect my opinion and maybe agree with it. Please agree. Why won’t you agree? I hope that if enough people will stand up, we can stop most, if not all, possessiveness. (don’t mind all of the big words) Now read my two articles and think about them. Really, please, consider what is going on. Also, stay tuned, for my next essay coming in the winter: Mallow’s Down and I’m Outta Pick Me Ups. Thank you and please tell your friends about this site. Now enjoy the rest of the show...
January 10, 1998
Sadly, the world has come down to only one purpose: to make
money. I first experienced this at a basketball game at St. Edward
Hall. I went up to the concession stand and bought two bags of M&M’s
and 3 Blow Pops for $1.95. I noticed that a price tag on the M&M’s
said: 5 for $2.00. I was outraged. If they bought 5 for $2.00, each
bag was $.40. At the stand, they were selling each bag for $.75. On
each bag, they make 35 cents profit off innocent young
whippersnappers. If they sold each bag for $.50, making a dime
profit, they would still get money and save us 25 cents. If they
purchased the candy-covered chocolate that melts in your mouth, not in
your hand, for 75 cents a pop, they would be spending $3.75, but in
fact, they spent $2.00. The difference is $1.75. So, for every five
bags of M&M’s they sell, they will make almost $2.00, giving them
enough money to buy 5 more! In a never-ending circle, businesses will
make profit off communal unaware of high prices. But in a Catholic
school, adults should not have the unscrupulousness to rip-off
consumers. I mean, where will the contumelious end? The "Mad Cash
Mobbers", who shall remain anonymous, get enough money off entrance
fees. They don’t need any more wealth. I think the elders of this
community would agree with me because adults who overcharge us are
utterly parsimonious and egotistical. They should be put on Death Row
or at least get a Biff BeatDown. They wouldn’t care if they charged
us $56.28 for half of an M&M; they would be pleased as punch. But I
know, somewhere, there is a society with no one rapacious. I think
that place is inside each of us and our $10 bills, so send all your
money to:
Happy Man: Tim Mooney
62 Prospect Street
Stafford Springs, CT 06076
for degreediness processing. Thank you for your cooperation.
No, I’m not done. I think that we all should try to lower
prices and set a community with partitioning and veraciousness. We
can have no taxes like New Hampshire but still live like the rich in
Connecticut. It’s a WIN - WIN situation we have here. All we have to
do is be liberal. To set an example, the "Mad Cash Mobbers" at St.
Edward’s should lower candy prices. All we are saying is
exquisiteness a chance.
If you would like a brochure on ostentation, send all your money to:
Groovy Man: Tim Mooney
62 Prospect Street
Stafford Springs, CT 06076
for information on muttonizing. Thank you for your money - I mean
cooperation.
Now, as for the snack bar at St. Edward’s, DON’T BE
LACKADAISICAL! Make a bargain. Buy nachos for $.15 or threaten not
to go there again. That’s my advice. Don’t fall for the power of the
dark side; resist and buy at WalMart. And remember: stay hydrated.
September 3, 1998
Why? The universal question. Because we say so. The universal
answer. Yes, because we say so. But is that really what you’re
saying? Is it really? I don’t know. But let’s get one thing
straight: we’re not stupid, with the exception of the following
people: Hugh Downes, George Bush, the Power Rangers, Garth Brooks,
the Hardy Boys, and Wink Martindale. What am I talking about? I
don’t know, but the world has been reduced to a level of stupidness
and greed, which I like to call schlock. Schlock. Now that’s a funny
word. Just like the word Switzerland. But, anyway, if you’ve read
All the World is Schlock, then you know about the Mad Cash Mobbers at
St. Edward School, charging almost 2x the regular price of the new
candy of the millennium. They have not done much about it. Just
think of how it could be if the prices were lowered. STOP READING AND
THINK! Think what it would be like if everyone was happy. I think
that there is a place where everyone is happy, and the key to that
place is in our $10 bills. So send your money to:
Rich Man: Tim Mooney
62 Prospect Street
Stafford Springs, CT 06076
Thank you.
No, I’m not done. I’m totally positive we can achieve this
place of happiness just by living like how it was before cash was
invented. The Mad Cash Mobbers can at least reduce their price a
little. Just think about it. If the price was lowered, more people
would buy yummy goodies. The Mobbers would get the same profit, if
not more(1). Why does money have to ruin our lives? Like they say,
"money is the root of all evil." People working at a Catholic school
should not be stealing our money(4). And stealing is against the
commandments. I wish this whole thing was not a problem. Why can’t
my wish come true? Why? I don’t know. Do you? Probably not. And
the moral of the story is:
Stay Hydrated.
Foot Notes:
(1) The stand would actually lose money and would have to shut down(2).
(2) No, the stand would make money(3).
(3) That’s a lie, too.
(4) They’re not really stealing our money.
January 31, 2000
I have a beef with the world, and you’re gonna hear about it. I’m getting a little pissed off that people say that to like the looks of a member of the opposite sexual gender is shallow and superficial. Dude what the freakin bloodclot!? To like a girl for their looks is not a bad thing. It is bad if that’s the only reason, but how you look is who you are so that’s a damn good enough thing to consider! I mean, people say that to want to get in shape or whatever and look good to ask a girl out is shallow, but that’s just plain fucked up. Guys like sexy chicks not for their intelligence but for their looks; it’s obvious.
My new philosphy: saying that looks are superficial is only an excuse for those fat, skank pussied, ugly-ass slack-jawed yokels out there who couldn’t get a date if it were the eve of the apocalypse. They say that looks don’t matter cause they know damn well they don’t got ‘em. Now don’t get me wrong... not only hot chicks are good to date but it is damn ok to put attention on physical features. So tell me, if there’s any of you who disagree with me, answer this: if you met an ugly-ass person who was funny and nice but made a horse’s ass look enchanting, wouldn’t you be reluctant to date him/her/it?
And another thing, I fuckin hate it when people appeal to some faggot who seems to think he’s the coolest around so now he’s in charge. To hell with that! Man, he’s just some butt-fucking camel raper who eats penguin shit. That’s right, i’m talking about the techers on the cheney bus. Fuck them man, the only cool ones are mike, bill, leo, wocko, and the girls. As for roger, metta, and all the other cockmasters, they can suck my dick. They’re faggots who’ll never amount to anything because they are ignorant ass-belonkers. And as for the EC frosh who think they’re cool by hanging with roger, they can suck my dick too. It’s sad really, cause jeff was such a great guy. But he thinks he’s all yar just cause roger took a fancy to him. And sarah... sarah... what the fuck! She’s no better. And tony, he just displays fruity colors all over the place. Laura is the only freshman on the bus unaffected by my scorn. She’s put up with a lot of shit and still hasn’t gone to the dark side. With that, she’s pretty cool. Did I forget anyone? Oh yeah, Pat. Man, he is the coolest kid. He is also unaffected because he- well, he’s just plain awesome. And all the sophomores and above from EC kick ass. But as for the techers, some of them are genuinely funny and some are just asses. Which are which? You decide.
And what’s the deal with faucets at airports? It’s not real faucets, just things you push and they stop after a few seconds. What, do they not trust the public with the water supply? It’s not like people turn the water on full blast and run out into the streets yelling "water!!!" And the prices of food in airports, it’s like their own country in there. Tuna? 28 bucks. If you don’t like it go back to your own damn country.
And i’m so sick of these lame ass teen ass groups like backstreet boys and n sync. They suck! I wouldn’t piss on their cds to put out a fire. They just sing, they don’t even play their own instruments. I mean what the fuck here people? Music has gotten so lazy that all you do is sing!? Kurt Cobain and John Paul Jones must be rolling over in their graves. Jones was the bass guitar for Led Zeppelin, the greatest rock band ever. Cobain was the lead guitar for Nirvana, greatest punk band ever. Both bands paved the way for American music, and Cobain made flannel popular. They signified a change in music, one for the better. But these boy bands are making a change in music, for the worse.
One last thing, I hope that this has changed ur attitudes about stuff. Feel free to distribute it. Um, yeah and last: drinking is fun, but don’t drink and drive. Because accidents cause people. And look for my next awhodawhatta letter: Mallow’s Down and I’m out of Pick-me-ups.
be cool... with MTV
Tim "at last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi" Mooney